Those Moments
by sarcasticmermaid
Summary: Collection of missing moments, 'what if's and AU's from the show. How things could've gone and moments we would've loved to see.
1. Kill Shot

**A/N: So! This is going to be missing moments/what if's and things like that from the show. They're not going to be in order, just as I come up with them. I'm open to suggestions too, by the way! This first one shot, is from Kill Shot. I bet you can guess which scene. But yeah, here's a look into Kate's head in that scene, and how it could've ended. I hope you like it! Please leave a review either way! Happy reading! **

I'm running. So many things are going through my head, it's making me dizzy. I find it hard to breathe. I try to focus on my feet, running through the hall.

I hear Castle calling my name behind me, but I do not turn around. I can't. He can't see me like this, so out of control. No one can. They wouldn't understand. Hell, I don't understand.

I find a door that leads to an empty hallway. I rush through it, and lean against the wall I find in there. I can't breathe. Everything is spinning.

A sniper. A goddamn sniper. He could be anywhere. Anyone could drop dead next, including me.

I know, in the back of my mind, that it's not the same person who shot me only some months ago. I know that. But seeing those victims.. God, I was shot by a sniper. I could've died. I almost did. My heart did stop for a minute or two. I died. I was dead. I died, I died, I died.

I'm trying to catch my breath, but I can't. I take off my jacket. I feel hot tears flowing down my cheeks. At what point did I start crying? I hope it wasn't around the other people. Around Castle. God, Castle..

I can't do this. I'm losing control. My hands are shaking. I'm shaking. I sit down on the floor, lean my back against the wall, and cry.

I don't understand what's happening to me. Yeah, it's PTSD, or so I'm told, but God.. This feeling. I can't take it. I hate being weak, and this is about as weak as it gets. I can't breathe properly. What kind of a normal person can't breathe properly?

One that was shot in the chest by a sniper.

A sniper that was never caught.

Like the one going around the city right now, killing innocent women.

I cry even harder.

Suddenly there's a soft knock on the door. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to muffle the noise of my cries. I still can't catch my breath.

Someone talks through the door. "Beckett?"

Oh God. It's Castle. No. No, no, no.

I start to panic again.

"Kate?" He asks again, using my first name this time.

A cry escapes my mouth.

"Kate, I know you're in there." Castle says softly.

"Go away." I tell him. My voice sounds so weak. More like a cry than an order. Pathetic.

"No, I won't." He states. God, why can't he just leave me alone?

Suddenly I see the door knob moving. God, I didn't lock the door. I cover my face with my hands, just as he steps in the hallway.

"Oh Kate." He exhales softly. He sounds sad. God, I feel even more terrible.

I start crying even more. My whole body shakes as the tears pour from my eyes. I can't even talk properly. I try anyway.

"P-please, just.. Go-..Go away, C-castle, please." I stutter, as the crying and shortness of breath makes my voice break at almost every word.

Castle just looks at me for a second. Then he sits down next to me. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't judge me. He just sits there.

"I'm not leaving you Kate." He states. "I know you feel weak, but God, Kate, you're so strong. No one is as strong as you. It's okay to break down sometimes. It's more than okay."

I sob into my hand. How could he understand?

"I can't imagine what you're going through. But I'm here for you. No matter what. I know you like to think that you don't need anyone, but Kate, everyone needs someone sometimes. If you want, I'll be that someone for you." Castle says softly. His voice is so soft, so understanding.

Why does he want to help me? How in the world could he even help me? Can't he see what a mess I am? Can he really not see?

Suddenly I remember why.

_Kate, I love you._

_I love you Kate._

God.

He deserves so much better. So much better than me. I'm no good for him.

But right now, he doesn't understand that.

Right now, he does love me.

And God do I love him. With every piece of my broken soul.

I will fix this. I will get over this. For him. I will be better for him. For Castle.

I raise my head from my hands, and wrap them around his neck. Immediately, he wraps his arms around my waist. I sob into his shoulder, and he rubs my back.

"It's okay Kate, I got you. It'll be okay, I promise. I will make it okay."

And for a minute, I believe him. If there's anyone that can make things okay, it's Castle.

I desperately want to be good enough for him. I have to be. I have to work through this. I have to become a better person. For him.

As my breathing begins to slow down and my tears dry, I make a decision. I'm going to get better. I'm going to work through my issues. I will be more than my job. More than that one case that's been defining me for years. More than my case. My shooting.

I don't care how long or how much work it takes. I will do it.

He's worth it. He's worth so much. And I want to be worthy of him. I need to be.

His words, is what will keep me going. Those specific words. His love.

_Kate, I love you._

_I love you Kate._

I will be better. I will be worthy of his love.

I will get over this.

Starting with catching this son of a bitch.

**What did you think? Please review! And if you have any ideas for missing moments/what if's, please, do share! -S**


	2. Vampire Weekend

**A/N: Hello folks! So sorry for the long wait for this chapter! I wish I could update more, but real life keeps getting in the way. :( Okay, so this is an AU from the season 2 episode 'Vampire Weekend.' You might be able to guess which scene. I'm leaving it up to you to decide whether you want a part 2 for this. So let me know if you want this particular AU to continue. Please review! Happy reading! **

* * *

This case is crazy. As if it isn't enough that it's tough and unusual, but on top of all, Castle is way too excited about it. I run my fingers through my hair, before stepping in to the room where the mystery writer is currently sitting at a table and.. What is he even doing? Reading a comic?

I walk in to the room, but he doesn't lift his nose from the comic. He looks pretty into it. That's cute. Wait, no, it's not. It's annoying. We're supposed to be solving a case here.

I sit on the table, right next to his feet resting on it, making him jump and put his feet on the floor.

"Hot on the case, Castle?" I tease him.

"On the case of a good read!" He says, sounding pretty impressed. "It's actually not bad."

I roll my eyes. I hold up a picture in front of his face. "Esposito found Morgan Lockerbee." I say, quite proudly, since the case is finally moving along. Castle glances at the picture, and starts flipping through the pages on the comic. He finally finds the page he was looking for, and holds it open, next to the picture he snatches from my hand.

"You mean, Morlock." He states.

I scoot closer to him, ignoring the chill that goes through me as my arm bumps his. I focus on the two pictures his holding in his hands.

"Vickson was right." I mumble, noticing the resemblance between Morgan Lockerbee and the character in the comic.

Suddenly I feel Castle turning his attention away from the pictures and turning towards me, leaning in closer, and breathing in, deeply. What is he doing?

"You smell like cherries." He says, but it sounds like he didn't actually mean to say it out loud.

That takes me off guard. We're talking about a case here, what is he doing.. Smelling me?

I turn to look at him, only to find him right next to my face, almost bumping our noses together. I stare into his eyes. He has a weird expression on his face. I can't quite figure out what it means.

I can feel his breath on my face, that's how close he is right now.

The time I spend everyday, rolling my eyes at him, telling myself he's a stupid player boy and crushing on him is a waste of my time, seems distant now. He's so close to me, I can't really think straight.

I don't know why, actually no, I do know why, but I don't understand why I couldn't just turn my face away from him, instead of moving my gaze from his blue eyes, to his lips. Jesus, Kate, why are you staring at Castle's lips?

I quickly look back up and meet his eyes again. They look different now. He looks more.. Determined?

How long have we been staring at each other? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I can't tell, but suddenly, I feel him leaning in closer, as if that's even possible. It isn't really. Because the second after I realize his face is moving closer to me, his lips touch mine.

If I lost track of time just looking at him, now time stops completely.

For a while, I don't move. I can't. Is this really happening?

His lips cover mine, warm and soft and oh so much better than I ever imagined.

The only thing I manage to do right away, is close my eyes. The world outside of this corner of the Precinct, vanishes completely.

I feel his lips slowly starting to move away from me, when I suddenly realize I still didn't kiss him back. I quickly push my face back closer to his, and it seems to take him by surprise, but he recovers quickly.

He kisses me more confidently now, and my head is spinning.

I have thought about this moment so many times, much more than I'd like to admit, but nothing compares to the actual feeling.

I forget about the case, about my insecurities and doubts about him, and just melt against his lips. Our mouths move together, quite perfectly, and I never want it to end.

I feel his hand touching my cheek and I decide to I want to touch him too. I move my hand to his chest, slowly moving it up, from his shoulder to the hair at the back of his neck. He moves his body closer to mine, resting his free hand on my lower back. I sigh into his mouth and I can feel him smiling into the kiss.

I don't know how long we've been kissing, but suddenly, way too soon for my liking, I heard someone clearing their throat close to us.

I quickly pull myself away from Castle, turning towards the noise.

Esposito and Ryan are standing next to the open door, with shocked expressions on their faces. Ryan's eyes are about to pop out of his head, while Esposito looks also surprised, but wearing an annoying smirk on his face.

I take a deep breath and avoid eye contact. I glance at Castle from the corner of my eye, and he isn't looking at Ryan and Esposito either, but at the floor. He has some of my lipgloss on his face.

"Are we.. Interrupting something?" Esposito asks, his voice sounding way too amused.

I push some of the hair fallen on my face behind my ear and clear my throat.

"No." I reply to Esposito's question, at exactly the same time as Castle lets out a breath saying "Yes."

I turn to glare at him but he doesn't look like he regrets his answer. He turns to look at me, as if not believing mine.

Esposito is holding back a laugh, while Ryan looks kind of uncomfortable.

"Oh.. Kay." He says with a questioning tone.

I sigh and try to slip back into detective mode. "What'd you get a hit on?" I ask the boys.

Esposito smirks at me one more time, before he and Ryan start explaining about the newest lead on the case, but I can't quite focus.

I'm way too aware of Castle next to me, even though he's sitting further away from me now.

My head is still spinning. Did that really happen? And what the hell did it mean? God, did I really just kiss Richard Castle? And is that really his hand on my thigh under the table right now?

**Do you guys want a part 2? Let me know by reviewing! Pretty please, with a cherry on top? (See what I did there?;) -S**


	3. Vampire Weekend, part 2

**A/N: Again, sorry for the long wait. For what it's worth, I'd rather write fanfiction than go to school and be sick. So! A lot of you wanted a part 2 for the last chapter, so here it is! Part 2 for the Vampire Weekend story. Please review! Happy reading! **

* * *

I have been doing my very best to avoid Castle since the kiss.

I can't believe that actually even happened. What was I thinking? I let myself get lost in his stupid blue eyes and then.. Yeah. God, I should know better than that.

It annoys me how cute he looks when he gets excited about this weird case, but I have to remind myself that I'm not supposed to think he's cute. He's not thinking about me like I'm thinking about him. The only reason he's interested in me, is because he can't have me. And I'm not about to just sleep with him to give him that sense of accomplishment. I'm not that kind of a girl.

When we finally closed the case, I agreed to go out for drinks with the boys. Of course, Castle decided to join us, which is going to make avoiding him very hard, since I don't have work to distract myself with anymore. Fortunately I got Lanie to join us too.

We have all been drinking and having a few laughs for sometime now, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't at least tipsy. I guess I figured having to sit next to Castle for the night would be easier with some liquid courage.

We finished another round of drinks and I offer to go get us a new one.

"Wait." Castle says, standing up from the booth we're all currently sitting at. "I'll help you."

I turn my back to him, close my eyes and sigh. I really don't want to be alone with him right now. I don't want to talk about what happened. I'm not sure how that would go. I know it was a mistake, but having to look into those eyes and remember what it was like to kiss him, while I've been drinking? Yeah, I'm not sure I can think rationally right now.

I walk up to the bar and order for us. I see Castle moving to stand next to me from the corner of my eye. I try to look anywhere but at him.

"You having fun?" He asks. He sounds different. Or am I imagining things?

"Uh." I mumble. I clear my throat. "Yeah, I guess." I finally answer him.

"Good. That's.. Good. Yeah." He rambles. I try to keep myself from laughing. He sounds nervous. Maybe he won't bring up the kiss either?

"So, uh, about earlier.." Oh, well, there goes that theory.

The bartender gives me our drinks and I thank him, handing Castle half of them.

"I don't think we should talk about it here." I say quietly.

"Where then?" He asks. I sigh.

"Look Castle, there's nothing to talk about, okay?" I snap, making my way back to our booth.

I can feel Castle fast on my heel. The others look up as we approach them.

"Took you long enough!" Ryan exclaims.

"Yeah, well-" I start but I'm quickly cut off by Castle.

"You guys start on those drinks, we'll be right back." He says, while grabbing my arm.

I freak out a little bit. I'm not discussing this in a bar.

"No, Castle-"

"Please, Kate? Just.. Give me a minute." He says, looking me straight in the eyes, with a pleading look.

"What's going on guys?" Lanie asks, raising her eyebrows at us.

"Uh.." I mumble, still looking at Castle. "Nothing, I.. I guess we'll be right back." I say unsurely.

Castle starts leading me through the bar and out in the alley. It's already dark and the temperature has definitely dropped. All in all, this situation is making me quite uncomfortable.

When he stops walking and lets go of my arm, I speak up.

"Look Castle, like I said, there's nothing we need to talk about."

"Really? Why is that?" He questions.

"Because.. I, we both know it was stupid. Spur of the moment. Not a big deal." I reply while staring at my shoes.

"Do you regret it?" He asks, trying to get me to look at him, but I won't.

"Well.. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't supposed to happen." I mumble.

Castle takes a step closer to me.

"From what I recall, you kissed me back, Kate." He says quietly, his voice lower than usual. Gosh, I hate when he calls me by my first name. It sends shivers down my spine.

"Well I know, but-"

"So you wanted it too. Right?" He asks, again taking a step closer. He's now close enough for me to feel the warmth from his body on mine.

"I.." I start while raising my eyes from the ground to look at him, but once my eyes land on his face, I forget what I was saying. He looks at me, with a warm expression on his face. He leans in closer.

"It's okay to admit it you know." He whispers before pressing his lips against mine, and my eyes slip shut right away.

Before I can actually register what's happening, I find myself kissing him back.

This is the second time I feel his lips in mine in such a short time. Yet, I had forgotten how amazing his lips really feel. In the cold alley, his lips feel warm and soft and oh so perfect. He places his hands on my hips, warming me up. I press my palm against his chest. I can feel his heartbeat. I don't think I could ever get used to kissing Castle. There's something.. Addicting to it. I can't think straight.

That is until I feel his tongue against my lips. I open my eyes. This was not supposed to happen. I pull away and use my hand resting against his chest to push him away from me. He looks surprised. I run my hands through my hair.

"What's wrong?" He asks. I can't help but let out a frustrated laugh.

"What's wrong?" I repeat his words. "Oh I don't know, let's see. Oh the fact that you think you can just go around kissing me whenever you feel like it?" I snap.

"Excuse me?" Castle says, looking genuinely confused.

"You can't do that Castle! I'm not playing your stupid game!" I exclaim.

"What game? You kissed me back?" He says, trying to understand my train of thought.

"I know but I was confused, okay? You just kissed me, I didn't know what to think!"

"Uh, okay, well-"

"Look Castle, I told you I'm not going to be just one of your conquests. That's not who I am." I explain, crossing my arms across my chest.

"What? Kate-"

"No, listen to me. I understand it's hard for you, okay? Not a lot of the models and whoever you hang out with ever tells you no, right? But I'm not like them. I'm not. I don't just sleep around. That's not who I am. I care too much to do that. I get that's how you roll, but I can't. And honestly I thought you'd understand that. I mean, I told you about my mom. I.. I thought you understood who I am. I just.. Why do you do this?" I ramble on, before I realize how much I've actually said.

"Kate.." He whispers.

"No, look, I just don't work the same way, I don't want-"

"Kate, can I please say something?" Castle interrupts me, raising his hands to touch my arm, but moves it away quickly.

"Fine." I whisper.

"Thank you. I uh.. Okay." He says, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"I know I came off as a.. Well, a jackass, when we first met. And yeah, when I asked you out at the end of our first case, it would've probably ended the way you think. But.. God Kate, I do know you. Maybe not yet as well as I want to, but I know that much. And that's why I'm here right now. Not because you're the only woman to tell me no in a long time, but because you're extraordinary. Because ever since that first case I've seen something different about you and it amazes me. I respect you. You could never be another conquest to me. Please know that."

I just stare at him, trying to take in everything he just said. What does he even mean?

"I like you. You must know that?" He questions.

"Well, I guess, I just thought-" I mumble, looking back at my feet.

Castle carefully reaches for my hand and takes it in both of his.

"Look, I'm not like what you think I am. Well, I've changed. Really Kate, I care too much to just throw away what we have by having a one night stand. I like you, okay? As in I like buying you coffee everyday because it makes you happy and I love your smile kind of way." He chuckles.

I laugh too. Is he serious right now?

"I.. Are you.. What are you saying?" I let out a breath.

"I'm saying, you should rethink the whole kissing thing. Did you think it was a mistake because you thought I didn't want more than sex from you, or because you didn't really want to kiss me?" He states.

I move to look him in the eyes. He looks sincere. I can't help but believe everything he just told me. And I do want to kiss him. But am I really ready for.. What is he offering anyway? A relationship? Oh God.. A relationship with Richard Castle?

"Well, I.. The first part." I stupidly answer him. He laughs.

"But I.. I don't know. I mean, what are you offering here exactly?" I ask, awkwardly running my free hand through my hair.

"I'm offering, that maybe you'd give me a chance. Us, maybe you'd give us a chance." He replies nervously.

"Are you sure? I mean.. We work together, kind of. And seriously, you could have anyone you want-" He cuts me off my letting out a laugh.

"That's you Kate. I really do want to be with you. All that matters right now, is whether you feel the same way." He says, looking straight at me, waiting for my answer.

We stand still, just staring at each other for a while. It's even colder out now.

"I'm just.." I whisper, not sure how I want to end that sentence.

"Just what?" He asks, rubbing circles on the back of my hand.

"Scared." I whisper. I can't voice all my insecurities. I don't let people in. Not since my mom died. Not since my dad started drinking, leaving me alone to deal with it. Of course I want to be with Castle, but can I? Am I ready for the kind of relationship he's offering me?

He seems to understand where I'm coming from.

"I know. But I think it's better to take a risk sometimes, don't you? And for what it's worth, I'm not going to hurt you." He says. I open my mouth to protest, but he seems to read my mind and lifts his hand up in front of my face, silencing me.

"I know, I know you think I can't promise that, and I know I can't promise that we won't fall apart or that it won't be hard at times, but Kate, you can trust me. If not now, you will be able to. I would never hurt you. I want to prove that to you." He explains. Once he's finished, he lets out a breath, and waits for my answer.

I'm kind of amazed by his words. It really is hard for me to trust anyone, but Castle's shown me many times how he has my back. And everything he's told me tonight? I really want to trust him. I really do. So many people, including Lanie and my dad, has told me to take risks, to let myself be happy over the years, but I've always been too scared.

Castle is already important to me. More important than I'd like to admit. Do I want to risk losing him altogether? What if we don't work out?

But what if we do?

I take a deep breath and once again look into his blue eyes. The look he gives me is sweet. There's something in his eyes that I can't quite put into words. But it's enough for me to know my answer.

"I do trust you." I whisper.

"Good. Does that mean..?" He trails off.

"Yeah, it does. I just.. Can we take this slow?" I stutter.

His face breaks in to a beautiful smile. "Of course. As slow as you'd like. I really do care about you Kate." He reassures me.

I can't help but smile. "I care about you too." I whisper. Expressing my feelings is also something I'm not great at.

"Good to know." He chuckles. I laugh with him. Is this really happening right now?

"Can I kiss you now?" He whispers carefully. I giggle. Giggle? Really Beckett?

"I suppose you can." I reply.

He chuckles again, leaning in to kiss me.

This is the first time I'm kissing him, knowing what it means. He wants to be with me. Because he likes me, cares about me. It still feels surreal, and I think it will for a while. It'll take me a while to get used to the change in our relationship. From a pain in the ass, to a partner to boyfriend? Oh my God, I'm Richard Castle's girlfriend. There's a sentence I never thought I would say.

Just as Castle slides his hand through my hair, somebody coughs in the distance.

We pull away from each other to see all of our friends standing at the door.

The boys are shaking their heads and Lanie's jaw is basically on the floor.

"So, is this a thing with you guys now? You just disappear and start making out?" Esposito teases.

"Yeah, do you always have to interrupt though?" Castle snaps back at him.

I cover my face with my hand.

Lanie finally manages to pick her jaw from the floor and speaks up.

"Girl, you have some serious explaining to do." She says, pointing her finger between Castle and I.

I groan.

"I'm sure she'll tell you everything but can I please kiss her, just once, without you morons barging in?" Castle states.

"Castle!" I blush and smack his chest.

Lanie raises her eyebrows. "SO much explaining to do, Katherine." She says, while pushing Esposito and Ryan back inside the club in front of her. When the door finally closes, I turn to Castle and cross my arms and raise my eyebrows.

"Really?" I snap.

"What?" He asks innocently. I can't help but laugh.

"Dork." I say while poking his arm.

"You wound me detective." He says dramatically, before grinning and leaning in to brush his lips against mine.

Maybe I could get used to this after all.

* * *

**I'm like Tinker Bell but instead off applause, I live for reviews. Please review? -S**


	4. Driven

**A/N: Hello again! This chapter takes place shortly after Driven. I wanted to write an insight on what was going in Kate's head after the events of that episode. Also writing this was sort of an outlet for my own anxiety lately. I don't know when I'll be able to upload again, I'm leaving for a road trip around Europe in a few days. But, as soon as I can, there will be another chapter up! If you have any ideas on what you'd like to see in the chapters, please do share. And please review! I can't even explain how much I love your reviews. I really do. Happy reading! x **

* * *

I find myself staring at him. Can you really blame me? Two months. That's sixty-two days. Two months of not knowing.. Anything. Whether he's alive or not. Whether he was abducted or killed. And why. Whether he just left.

But he's back. He's home. But everything is different.

I still don't know where he was and why. I know he's alive, and I couldn't be happier about that. But I can't help but wonder..

He's different too. He thinks only a day or two has gone by, yet he's very different.

He doesn't remember. He can't tell me what I've been trying to find out for two months. He's home, but I barely have any answers.

Is this a universe's way of playing a cruel joke on me? I lied to him about remembering my shooting, and now I lost him for two whole months, and get no explanation whatsoever.

I spent two months hoping, praying that he's okay, that I get to see him again. I spent two months crying myself to sleep every night, and then waking up four hours later to spend another day desperately fishing for clues. I spent two months listening to everyone telling me that he left me. That he just up and left, after everything we've been through.

He's home, but he's broken. And so am I.

* * *

Laying next to him in the bed feels surreal. For those two months, I kept dreaming of him, holding me in his arms. Now I don't let him hold me. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't be too close to him. What if he's not really here? What if he doesn't want to be?

I promised myself I would not let myself shut down, that I would not build that wall back up. But it's hard. Being without him is always hard. Those two months made me doubt everything. Every possible theory, everyone, him and myself. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I believe when he told me he didn't just walk away. I believe when he said he must've missed him. I have to. Because my Castle wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't. But something about this all makes me feel so weak. Like all those years ago.

In a way, Castle's disappearance hit me even harder than my mom's death. I thought nothing could, but Castle was the one who got me through it, really. Castle was the one to teach me about trust, family and love. I trust him more than anyone. He is my family. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I don't know how much longer I could've gone without him.

He's already asleep and he looks peaceful. His sunburn face is buried in the creamy pillow and his breathing is heavy. He was so tired when he got home. Understandably so.

I can't help but stare at him again. He's really here. He's alive. I'm with him. He didn't leave me. He didn't.

* * *

I wake up in panic. I'm covered in sweat and I can't catch my breath. The images of my dream won't leave my head.

Castle in the car, burned to death.

Castle in the boat, shot to death.

Castle in an alley, stabbed to death.

I run my hands through my sweaty hair and sit up. I glance at the other side of the bed. Castle's still sound asleep. He's laying on his back, one hand resting on his chest, the other one hanging outside of the bed. He snores slightly. He still looks peaceful.

I can't shake the feeling of panic though. We still don't know what he's been through. We don't know if he's still in danger, he probably is. What if he being back is just temporary? What if this is the dream? I can't lose him, I can't. Have I already?

I throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand up. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to muffle the sound of my panting. I still can't catch my breath.

I feel the familiar feeling of panic rising in my chest. My hands go numb as my whole body starts shaking.

I'm having a panic attack.

It's not exactly new. The last two months have been nothing but uncertainty and fear, but I haven't had a proper panic attack in years. I start feeling lightheaded and I need to leave the room.

I walk in to the living room and sit on the couch. I press my face in my hands and sob. My thoughts are going a mile a minute and breathing gets harder and harder. I can't remember any of the tricks to calm down while having a panic attack. My mind doesn't work at all. I can feel tears flowing down my cheeks, though I didn't know I was crying.

Suddenly a light goes on in the living room. I know someone else is in the room, but I can't raise my head from my hands. I can't move.

"Katherine?" I hear a voice calling my name. Martha.

"Oh Katherine, darling." She whispers and I can feel her moving next to me on the couch.

She places her hand on my back and starts rubbing in gently. I can hear her whispering something in my ear but I can't quite make out what it is. I finally move my hands from my face and move them around her instead.

I don't know how much time goes by, I can't focus on anything around me.

Finally Martha's voice cuts through.

"You're going to be alright Katherine." She says assuringly. "Just breathe, dear."

And I do. I focus on my breathing and her hand on my back and finally manage to catch my breath in a few minutes. I'm still crying though.

"There you go darling. You're okay."

I open my eyes and look at her. "Thank you." I whisper, just barely loud enough for her to hear.

"Why on earth are you thanking me?" She smiles at me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "I uh.. No. I don't think so. I'm okay." I whimper.

"Darling, you're still crying. You are not okay." Martha says firmly and gives me a look. I look back at her through the tears still in my eyes.

"Kate?"

Both Martha and I turn to look at the bedroom door, where a half asleep Castle is currently standing.

"Are you having a slumber party without me?" He asks and yawns.

"Oh Richard for heaven's sake." Martha groans. "Can you not see that your fiancée is currently crying?"

Castle's expressions grows serious right away and he takes a step further into the room.

"What's wrong honey?" He asks, sitting next to us on the couch.

It has been so long since he last called me that.

"I think she had a panic attack." Martha states.

"I'm fine, don't worry." I say as I attempt to wipe my face clean of tears with the back of my hand.

"No, you're not. Please talk to me Kate." Castle whispers. I look him in the eyes.

"I'm going to go get a glass of water and then go back to bed." Martha announces and kisses my forehead before getting up. She gives Castle a look. "Take care of her Richard." She orders him before moving to the kitchen.

Castle stands up too and offers me his hand. I sigh and slowly take his hand. He leads me back to our bedroom. He sits me on the bed next to him. He pushes some of my hair behind my ear, letting his fingers linger on my skin for a while.

"What happened Kate? Did you have a panic attack?" He asks in a soft voice. He sounds worried. I know he was worried about me when my PTSD was at its worst after I was shot. I only recently told him about how bad it actually was, and he felt guilty for not being there for me. I of course told him he was being ridiculous since I told him to give me space, which was the right thing to do at the time.

I swallow. This is not going to be easy for either of us.

"Yeah, I did." I whispered, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt.

"Why? What happened?" He asks, rubbing my arm.

"I don't know I just.. I had a nightmare." I quietly reply him.

"Tell me about it." He says. He doesn't ask me to, but he doesn't order me to, either. He says it like it's something I should do, but like he is going to help me with it.

"I, uh.. It was just.. You didn't.. You didn't survive and.. I-" I barely manage those words out before I burst into uncontrollable sobs again.

"Oh Kate." Castle whispers and scoops me in his arms. He strokes my hair and tries to calm me down.

"I'm okay. I know it was scary, but I'm okay. And so are you. We are going to be okay, I promise honey." He whispers in my ear.

I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. He still smells the same. I bury my head into his chest and finally the crying calms down.

"I'm so sorry I put you through that. I can't imagine what it was like. I hate that you're this hurt because of me, I'm so sorry." He whispers sadly.

I want to tell him it's okay, that it's not really his fault, but I'm exhausted and hearing him say he's sorry, proves me that he didn't just leave. He was taken from me.

"I love you, Kate. We're going to be okay. I promise you. Nothing's going to take me away from you again, do you understand? Nothing. I love you."

Hearing him tell me he loves me, almost makes me cry again. It has been so long since the last time he told me that.

"I- I love you too." I whisper, barely loud enough for either of us to hear.

There's still a lot we need to work on, a lot we need to discuss, but for the first time in two months, I feel like maybe things will be good again. Castle's home. And whether he's still in danger or not, I won't let anything hurt him again. I will figure this out. No, we will figure it out.

Together.

As always.

* * *

**Please leave a review to let me know what you think. Reviews are to me like what coffee is to Beckett. -S**


End file.
